Sat. 11/20/10 11:45 PM
Today hasn't been that great. Long story. Lots of homework. Celebrated my b-day with Kevin and we fought and I cried. It was up and down. We did have a delicious dinner though. Kevin made me soy chicken. Mostly I'm just sad right now. My sleep was horrendous. I drank Fanta all day to keep me awake. I took an Ambien CR, but I don't really feel it yet. Now I'm worried it won't work as well as regular Ambien. It used to work better. Lame.
I got a bunch of stuff done though. Lots of school stuff. Several assignments. Still have more to do, but I'm almost there! 2 weeks left of class after Thanksgiving and I'll have made it through the worst semester, toughest semester of my life. I will kiss the floor that day, because I keep thinking it won't happen. I won't make it. But I'm doing it!
Sun. 11/21/10 11:39 P.M.
Ambien. Yes I amont tired mosly. I haven't slept well in too long! Too long so I'm doubly exausted tonight. It was my brithay to day! I got really good, sweet, though full presents from everyone. Nice. Amber (my niece) kept loving me. It made me feel good.
I love my mom- she does such good thingf for me. I really love her. Good mom. She needs toknow that Everyone needs to know. I love my husband. Feel bad for stuff that has happed. I love him. He is my best friend. We don't have enough sex. Probably my fault, but I feel sad and it makes it harder to sleep. So does guilt man and guilt about my family. Feal disappoingting right now. Gotta get through. You CAN fix your maladaptive shit. You can.
Wish I had more tim and less time. Wish I could just quit and take a class abouthis. Nothing else to say. Kinda sad... Sleep is still horrible.
11/22/10
Ambieme- yes. It is. Stressed out. Ambie makes ist a little better befor bed. I love my Kevin. He's a good man. I want to cuddle. I want him to be on anbien with me and not sleep with me. So its not m being crazy. I feel tired and stressed out so Kevin better hug me.
Ambien has sunk me today.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Flames Go Up Man
11/18/10 11:15 P.M.
Today I went to class and to work. I worked on homework. That's about it. I want to write another Ambien Journal. They are the best. Tomorrow we get to see Harry Potter! Hooray! So excited. Maybe eat sushi. Mmmmmm.
I think I am on ambien now. Shall I write more nonsense? Heck yeah I should. Those ones make people laugh. Hard core. Many (something unreadable).
Now I ambien me. Maybe I write differently than normal. I don't know wha I do I just write! Flames go up man
Cherry u Ho needs tsleep. Hooooo
Tonight I feel... tired and all the storries I keepsing seeing aramazing.
And maybe please sex.
Harry Pottor tomorrowill be amazingh!
(then all throughout there is a picture of the word Cherry riding on the word hoooo and dropping her off at the s l e e p y r i v e r. You'll see when I post the picture.
I love Kevin. Even throug the ambien I still feel an internal light. love for him! Meas so much to me. He does. Can't wait to sleep next to him. I mean in bed. I like it when he holdsme it makes m stress go away when he touches me
Today I went to class and to work. I worked on homework. That's about it. I want to write another Ambien Journal. They are the best. Tomorrow we get to see Harry Potter! Hooray! So excited. Maybe eat sushi. Mmmmmm.
I think I am on ambien now. Shall I write more nonsense? Heck yeah I should. Those ones make people laugh. Hard core. Many (something unreadable).
Now I ambien me. Maybe I write differently than normal. I don't know wha I do I just write! Flames go up man
Cherry u Ho needs tsleep. Hooooo
Tonight I feel... tired and all the storries I keep
And maybe please sex.
Harry Pottor tomorrowill be amazingh!
(then all throughout there is a picture of the word Cherry riding on the word hoooo and dropping her off at the s l e e p y r i v e r. You'll see when I post the picture.
I love Kevin. Even throug the ambien I still feel an internal light. love for him! Meas so much to me. He does. Can't wait to sleep next to him. I mean in bed. I like it when he holdsme it makes m stress go away when he touches me
heart
Heart for Kevin. Muah Sex Soon?
Fri. 11/19/10 11:57 PM
Writing on Ambien. It's not that bad yet. Tired though. It's definitely there- Ambien. Saw Harry Potter. The theatre was damn hot! Movie was good. Then we watched Scott Pilgrim. That show = Bad Ass. Kevin is cute and gave it to me for my early B-day. We had sushi too!
And sushi is....mmmm Beautiful.
Tired. Is my bed time. The one I've set for myself. Actually it's past that. Birthday Friday. Hoohah. I like sounds apparently.
Love my Kevin!
Fri. 11/19/10 11:57 PM
Writing on Ambien. It's not that bad yet. Tired though. It's definitely there- Ambien. Saw Harry Potter. The theatre was damn hot! Movie was good. Then we watched Scott Pilgrim. That show = Bad Ass. Kevin is cute and gave it to me for my early B-day. We had sushi too!
And sushi is....mmmm Beautiful.
Tired. Is my bed time. The one I've set for myself. Actually it's past that. Birthday Friday. Hoohah. I like sounds apparently.
Love my Kevin!
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Shoes! Craz!
P.S. I've changed all the names.... My drummer isn't really Mystique.
11/12/10 11:40 PM
A week and 2 days until my birthday. Doodoodoo. More Fable. Class today was.... I'm just not motivated. Stomach hurt for an hour after lunch. Bla. But yesterday Harold, Chad (Band friends) and I got sushi after practice. My favorite. Amazing. Have I not said anything about the band I've been in SINCE APRIL? Ha. Wow. We are _________, yes like Wizard of Oz. I sing. Chad is on guitar. Harold on bass. Mystique on drums. We've had 3 shows, recorded 2 songs, taken pics, and have a facebook. We're writing right now and we are actually kind of talented. Better than my last band, anyway. It's such a rush. So fun. We started shows in September. I can't wait for more-- when I feel better :). Birthday and then Thanksgiving. Good couple of weeks. Yay.
11/13/10
I'm on Ambien. This is Ambien writing. This what it looks like. Does it look different? Am I spelling horribly awry? Judge me tommorrow me. You will geta kick out of me telling you shiz. Today we went birthday shopping for -me- :). O yeah so much shopping & sushi
Susi is amazing.
You know that don't you!? I bout cute shirts. Kevin got a surprise for me. Want to know what it i
THE END
Muah
Sex SEX
Heart
11/14/10
More Ambien writing From cherry today I slept in of course. I hare prombems
Becausothe, tambien,
It changes who I am! Wow!
11/15/10 11:32 PM
Wow. Those last writings were sweet. I haven't slept that great the last few nights. Today I am so stressed. My professors suck. Health Psych Guy MOVED BACK my exam to this week and just let us know today. Woo. We have like 3 days to study. He sucks ass. So much to do. So little time. I hope I can get it all done in time. It makes me nervous. I am putting it in a box. Nothing I can do right now.
11/16/10 11:52 P.M.
Today is an Ambienday again. Me writing on ambien is so awesome. I willwright write a letter to sober me.
Sober Me-
you are sweet sauce. Much love And hot, but you don't have as much fun as we who got you into Anbienville. Craz!!
Shit! Kevin! Sex!
Dear SM-
I think your life is too cute. Start living out your ass. Hardcore! Seriously. You are perfect wife and he is perfect man but maybe you jump and be crazy out your ass.
Ambian Day yay! Heard round world.
I love banging Kevin. Today he looks hott so I want to bone him. So give me some freaking knew shoes
New Shoes! Kiss me please
For boning
Love. I love him. huuuhu
(butterfly picture)
11/17/10 11:22 P.M.
What the hell was that?
-Ambien man. Seriously.
Today was horrible! Little things stress me out like big things should. Big things stress me out like catastrophes. I was irritable a whole lot with Kevin. I got like catatonic, broke down, sat in the shower and cried. Wow I feel awful today. Sometimes life sucks. I keep swearing cause it feels good right now? Kevin probably thinks I am a crazy person. We did have pizza though, and I pigged out and it felt good.
Augh.
Thinking about all of my assigments, my work, stress. LET IT BE THE WEEKEND!
11/12/10 11:40 PM
A week and 2 days until my birthday. Doodoodoo. More Fable. Class today was.... I'm just not motivated. Stomach hurt for an hour after lunch. Bla. But yesterday Harold, Chad (Band friends) and I got sushi after practice. My favorite. Amazing. Have I not said anything about the band I've been in SINCE APRIL? Ha. Wow. We are _________, yes like Wizard of Oz. I sing. Chad is on guitar. Harold on bass. Mystique on drums. We've had 3 shows, recorded 2 songs, taken pics, and have a facebook. We're writing right now and we are actually kind of talented. Better than my last band, anyway. It's such a rush. So fun. We started shows in September. I can't wait for more-- when I feel better :). Birthday and then Thanksgiving. Good couple of weeks. Yay.
11/13/10
I'm on Ambien. This is Ambien writing. This what it looks like. Does it look different? Am I spelling horribly awry? Judge me tommorrow me. You will geta kick out of me telling you shiz. Today we went birthday shopping for -me- :). O yeah so much shopping & sushiSusi is amazing.
You know that don't you!? I bout cute shirts. Kevin got a surprise for me. Want to know what it i
THE END
MuahSex SEX
Heart
11/14/10
More Ambien writing From cherry today I slept in of course. I hare prombems
Becausothe, tambien,
It changes who I am! Wow!
11/15/10 11:32 PM
Wow. Those last writings were sweet. I haven't slept that great the last few nights. Today I am so stressed. My professors suck. Health Psych Guy MOVED BACK my exam to this week and just let us know today. Woo. We have like 3 days to study. He sucks ass. So much to do. So little time. I hope I can get it all done in time. It makes me nervous. I am putting it in a box. Nothing I can do right now.
11/16/10 11:52 P.M.
Today is an Ambienday again. Me writing on ambien is so awesome. I will
Sober Me-
you are sweet sauce. Much love And hot, but you don't have as much fun as we who got you into Anbienville. Craz!!
Shit! Kevin! Sex!
Dear SM-
Ambian Day yay! Heard round world.
I love banging Kevin. Today he looks hott so I want to bone him. So give me some freaking knew shoes
New Shoes! Kiss me please
Love. I love him. huuuhu
(butterfly picture)
11/17/10 11:22 P.M.
What the hell was that?
-Ambien man. Seriously.
Today was horrible! Little things stress me out like big things should. Big things stress me out like catastrophes. I was irritable a whole lot with Kevin. I got like catatonic, broke down, sat in the shower and cried. Wow I feel awful today. Sometimes life sucks. I keep swearing cause it feels good right now? Kevin probably thinks I am a crazy person. We did have pizza though, and I pigged out and it felt good.
Augh.
Thinking about all of my assigments, my work, stress. LET IT BE THE WEEKEND!
Ambien Blog
11/8/10 - 11:10 P.M.
Today- My Health Psych professor and a girl in my class argued loudly. It was awkward. Now she wants me to write a statement because she's complaining to the department. I'm like, yeah, maybe after I get my final grade. They were both really rude to each other so I can't really side with one. He apparently thinks apparently extending our online test (so we don't just have the weekend to take them) will cause us to cheat more? What? Wow that was my day. Both of my parents are offering to put me on health insurance because they are so worried about me. I'm worried about me too. Always down. The last time I was really happy was in Washington. I miss it. Last night I slept better. Weird. Don't know why. Sort of odd. What determines this?
My memory and processing speed have gone down. Don't know if it's the Ambien or lack of sleep. I forget lots. I take longer to do remedial tasks. Normal? I don' know. Kids of the future I hope you don't inherit sleeplessness.
11/9/10 11:30 P.M.
Saw counselor Jared today. He is awesome. Really enjoy going to him because he is genuinely interested in me and my life it seems. We work on lots of stuff. Counselor patient relationships are cool. I had a busy school day, but not too busy, because I slept okay again last night. It was nice. I appreciate be able to sleep so much when I get to. It makes me grateful
Me dad- Ambien is kicking in so I'll be quick- offered me health insurance. Not like him, shows great love. Makes me happy.
11/10/10 11:25 PM (all misspellings from this point on are on purpose. Ambien has a way of doing that to me)
Today I skipped class and it felt GOOD. Gud haha. I did homework, and played Fable 3. I did dishes. got stuff done! Then work, then gym, the group project that suck ASS. :) Kevin and I had some BAMF sex tonight. Serioulsy. Woot. Found out I had a paper due tomorrow! So what did I do? Wrote a badass paper cause I'mawescume awesome.
Ambien-me. This should be a blog about me bein muuts on Ambien. So waaaa so wa soo waaa.
Today- My Health Psych professor and a girl in my class argued loudly. It was awkward. Now she wants me to write a statement because she's complaining to the department. I'm like, yeah, maybe after I get my final grade. They were both really rude to each other so I can't really side with one. He apparently thinks apparently extending our online test (so we don't just have the weekend to take them) will cause us to cheat more? What? Wow that was my day. Both of my parents are offering to put me on health insurance because they are so worried about me. I'm worried about me too. Always down. The last time I was really happy was in Washington. I miss it. Last night I slept better. Weird. Don't know why. Sort of odd. What determines this?
My memory and processing speed have gone down. Don't know if it's the Ambien or lack of sleep. I forget lots. I take longer to do remedial tasks. Normal? I don' know. Kids of the future I hope you don't inherit sleeplessness.
11/9/10 11:30 P.M.
Saw counselor Jared today. He is awesome. Really enjoy going to him because he is genuinely interested in me and my life it seems. We work on lots of stuff. Counselor patient relationships are cool. I had a busy school day, but not too busy, because I slept okay again last night. It was nice. I appreciate be able to sleep so much when I get to. It makes me grateful
Me dad- Ambien is kicking in so I'll be quick- offered me health insurance. Not like him, shows great love. Makes me happy.
11/10/10 11:25 PM (all misspellings from this point on are on purpose. Ambien has a way of doing that to me)
Today I skipped class and it felt GOOD. Gud haha. I did homework, and played Fable 3. I did dishes. got stuff done! Then work, then gym, the group project that suck ASS. :) Kevin and I had some BAMF sex tonight. Serioulsy. Woot. Found out I had a paper due tomorrow! So what did I do? Wrote a badass paper cause I'm
Ambien-me. This should be a blog about me bein muuts on Ambien. So waaaa so wa soo waaa.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
No Funny Business Yet
10/27/10 11:40 PM
Happier today than I've been in a while. Even Kevin noticed. It's because of the huge weight that was lifted off of me yesterday. Still nervous about sleep. I try not to let it, but it makes me kind of sick. We bought a flashlight, a book, and some logic problems in case I wake up. I don't like leaving the room in the middle of the night. Light wakes me up. I'm super impatient. I just want to get better now. Last weekend made me nervous about sleep again, BUT last week it was so much better! I shouldn't have gone off the pills last weekend! Talk about taking a step back. Bla
10/28/10 11:25 PM
Trying to stay upbeat. It's hard not to let it get me down- The fact that my sleep is crappy. Last night, I got 3 hours, then woke up at 3:30 or 4:00 for two hours. Then I fell asleep, but the rest of my sleep was not restful. I've forgotten what it feels like to not feel tired the next day. Man, do I appreciated sleep.
I'm always a bit nervous before I go to bed. Hoping hard for sleep. I wish I could just quit school for a while. Wish I could just quit everything and leave for a bit.
I was not in a bad/sad mood today. I am keeping myself upbeat and positive. But the closer it gets to bedtime the harder it is. I feel like I sound like a baby, "No sorry I can't go to a midnight movie. I have to keep my sleep cycle strict because I'm an old lady. Sorry I have all these rules."
I love Kevin though. Sometimes he's strong for me. It feels like I shouldn't need to be strong. It's just sleep. I could be much worse off. My friend passed out from exhaustion the other day. Whoa.
Ambien is working. I'm usually not up at this point; it makes my nerves go away.
10/29/10 11:30 P.M.
I hate sleep and I love it. You know- I don't really think much except that I'm nervous about sleeping.
Last night- slept for four hours. Up at 4ish, for a couple hours. Asleep for one more. It sucked. I am so tired! I'm a little nervous about the Health Psych test I have to take this weekend. How lame is that? We have to take our tests on the weekend. I wanted to get it done tonight, but it was too hard to concentrate.
Mostly I'm just worried about sleeping. Will I get more tonight? Will I get less? Will I be okay?
Sometimes I wonder if this is automatic, or if this worry is all just me and my fault. At least I don't really have it during the day anymore. I put it in a box.
10/30/10 11:50 PM
At my parents. I wanted to go to bed earlier, but for some reason my step-dad wanted to blast classical music. Blast classical music? Weird.
Last night I slept better than usual. I went right back to sleep when I woke up. Amazing. I'm still worried, but not quite as much because last night was good (well...good for me anyway). That's all I'm really thinking. It's all I usually think too.
10/31/10 11:45 PM
Last night I woke up like 10 times, but I fell back to sleep. All I'm really thinking tonight is- What happens when I quit taking Ambien? Trying not to think about the future and instead just think about right now. My sleep has been okay for two days! I feel like I should reward myself with sushi and "How to Train Your Dragon."
11/1/10 11:28 P.M.
Thinking the same thing I do every night, "I hope I sleep." Not much else- Maybe the Ambien thing again. But I am way tired. I wish I could go to bed even earlier, but homework doesn't let me.
11/2/10 11:20 P.M.
Again- just thinking about sleep. I'm anxious for no reason right now. I don't really know what else to say. I am tired. I haven't been putting things in a box as much lately. I will start doing that again.
11/3/10 11:30 P.M.
Soo tired. I have improved but seriously, waking up for several hours every night sucks. Kevin is getting terrible sleep too. Now he can't fall asleep. I'm just nervous. Same as every night. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I have a lot of stuff coming up in school.
Stress-
Have to create my own exam
Test critique
Health simulation
Archive Folklore thing
So much reading
Test, test, test
And on top of it I'm afraid I'm gaining weight because of this whole thing. I'm not the skinniest girl on the planet, but I am by no means fat. I take pride in my health and I do NOT feel very healthy right now.
11/4/10 11:15 P.M.
If I don't get 8 hours of sleep what will happen?
- I will be tired and nothing else.
Cherry- Your body is adapting. You are okay at low sleep. You are okay. Tomorrow is Friday. Breathe a big sigh of relief. It is a new day! Start all over! Tonight is a new night! Another chance you can wake up refreshed and ready. EVEN if you get 6 hours or 5 or 3!
-If you don't get sleep you only have one class to worry about. Go home and veg. True. Too true.
11/5/10 11:15 P.M.
Tomorrow is Saturday, so even if I don't sleep it will be oooookay. I am so tired today though. I think I cried earlier and that's why. 16 days until my birthday! 18 until Thanksgiving break. I can make it. I can make it to break! So close I can almost taste it! Hoorah! I can get there, even if tonight is sucky sleep!
Woooo!----Ambien
Happier today than I've been in a while. Even Kevin noticed. It's because of the huge weight that was lifted off of me yesterday. Still nervous about sleep. I try not to let it, but it makes me kind of sick. We bought a flashlight, a book, and some logic problems in case I wake up. I don't like leaving the room in the middle of the night. Light wakes me up. I'm super impatient. I just want to get better now. Last weekend made me nervous about sleep again, BUT last week it was so much better! I shouldn't have gone off the pills last weekend! Talk about taking a step back. Bla
10/28/10 11:25 PM
Trying to stay upbeat. It's hard not to let it get me down- The fact that my sleep is crappy. Last night, I got 3 hours, then woke up at 3:30 or 4:00 for two hours. Then I fell asleep, but the rest of my sleep was not restful. I've forgotten what it feels like to not feel tired the next day. Man, do I appreciated sleep.
I'm always a bit nervous before I go to bed. Hoping hard for sleep. I wish I could just quit school for a while. Wish I could just quit everything and leave for a bit.
I was not in a bad/sad mood today. I am keeping myself upbeat and positive. But the closer it gets to bedtime the harder it is. I feel like I sound like a baby, "No sorry I can't go to a midnight movie. I have to keep my sleep cycle strict because I'm an old lady. Sorry I have all these rules."
I love Kevin though. Sometimes he's strong for me. It feels like I shouldn't need to be strong. It's just sleep. I could be much worse off. My friend passed out from exhaustion the other day. Whoa.
Ambien is working. I'm usually not up at this point; it makes my nerves go away.
10/29/10 11:30 P.M.
I hate sleep and I love it. You know- I don't really think much except that I'm nervous about sleeping.
Last night- slept for four hours. Up at 4ish, for a couple hours. Asleep for one more. It sucked. I am so tired! I'm a little nervous about the Health Psych test I have to take this weekend. How lame is that? We have to take our tests on the weekend. I wanted to get it done tonight, but it was too hard to concentrate.
Mostly I'm just worried about sleeping. Will I get more tonight? Will I get less? Will I be okay?
Sometimes I wonder if this is automatic, or if this worry is all just me and my fault. At least I don't really have it during the day anymore. I put it in a box.
10/30/10 11:50 PM
At my parents. I wanted to go to bed earlier, but for some reason my step-dad wanted to blast classical music. Blast classical music? Weird.
Last night I slept better than usual. I went right back to sleep when I woke up. Amazing. I'm still worried, but not quite as much because last night was good (well...good for me anyway). That's all I'm really thinking. It's all I usually think too.
10/31/10 11:45 PM
Last night I woke up like 10 times, but I fell back to sleep. All I'm really thinking tonight is- What happens when I quit taking Ambien? Trying not to think about the future and instead just think about right now. My sleep has been okay for two days! I feel like I should reward myself with sushi and "How to Train Your Dragon."
11/1/10 11:28 P.M.
Thinking the same thing I do every night, "I hope I sleep." Not much else- Maybe the Ambien thing again. But I am way tired. I wish I could go to bed even earlier, but homework doesn't let me.
11/2/10 11:20 P.M.
Again- just thinking about sleep. I'm anxious for no reason right now. I don't really know what else to say. I am tired. I haven't been putting things in a box as much lately. I will start doing that again.
11/3/10 11:30 P.M.
Soo tired. I have improved but seriously, waking up for several hours every night sucks. Kevin is getting terrible sleep too. Now he can't fall asleep. I'm just nervous. Same as every night. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I have a lot of stuff coming up in school.
Stress-
Have to create my own exam
Test critique
Health simulation
Archive Folklore thing
So much reading
Test, test, test
And on top of it I'm afraid I'm gaining weight because of this whole thing. I'm not the skinniest girl on the planet, but I am by no means fat. I take pride in my health and I do NOT feel very healthy right now.
11/4/10 11:15 P.M.
If I don't get 8 hours of sleep what will happen?
- I will be tired and nothing else.
Cherry- Your body is adapting. You are okay at low sleep. You are okay. Tomorrow is Friday. Breathe a big sigh of relief. It is a new day! Start all over! Tonight is a new night! Another chance you can wake up refreshed and ready. EVEN if you get 6 hours or 5 or 3!
-If you don't get sleep you only have one class to worry about. Go home and veg. True. Too true.
11/5/10 11:15 P.M.
Tomorrow is Saturday, so even if I don't sleep it will be oooookay. I am so tired today though. I think I cried earlier and that's why. 16 days until my birthday! 18 until Thanksgiving break. I can make it. I can make it to break! So close I can almost taste it! Hoorah! I can get there, even if tonight is sucky sleep!
Woooo!----Ambien
And So it Begins
9/28/10-
Sleep Journal-
Fell asleep great. Ambien is bomb. Couldn't think anything. Woke up at 6, couldn't get back to sleep even with how tired I am. My stomach tensed up and I got worried/anxiety about getting back to sleep. It's weird because I don't think much, just lay there with my roller coaster stomach flip flopping. That's what makes it hard to sleep.
9/30/10
Fell asleep great again. Woke up at 4:30. Can't fall back to sleep, even though it's 6:30 now! I don't get it. Ambien works great. Why am I anxious all the time? I am not worrying about anything in particular. Not sleeping maybe? I feel this way all day on and off. It's like it's generalized from my not sleeping. I'm so tired. Last night I slept okay because I was really hungry and got up to eat a bowl of cereal. Falling back to sleep was a piece. I don't have to be up at any specific time, so I don't get why I can't sleep! I've been trying to talk myself out of anxiety.There's no reason for it. I CAN sleep. I'm FINE! It's so weird, want to see the counselor. I am EXHAUSTED.
10/1/10
I fell asleep okay, and slept until like six. I even woke up once an fell straight back to sleep. Now my stomach is anxious, so I can't fall asleep but it's an improvement right? I'm just tired. I would love to get 8 hours again. I guess I can't be disappointed by a step up. I just wish I knew what my stomach was always so nervous about, because I am not at all in my head. Maybe just the sleep thing. Maybe just that. Please help me sleep God.
10/4/10
Getting ready for bed. I took Erin's supplements . I don't want to be on Ambien for the rest of my life. I'm so scared of that. My mom is stuck on it and I know I can sleep better. But it takes the anxiety of sleep out. Last night I took nothing, stayed up as late as I could. I probably slept 2 hours, which is better than one! I feel like God isn't listening to me and that stresses me out too. It makes me angry that I pray all the time and get nothing right now.
Dear God,
Please listen to me
Off to do Deep Muscle Relaxation
10/26/10 11:20 PM
Counselor Jared told me to keep a sleepy time journal so we can look at patterns in my thinking.
Tonight:
1. I am not as worried as usual because my counseling visit and doctor visit went well. The doctor told me my Ambien plan was good and did not make me feel like a drug addict! That is a relief.
2. Still a bit nervous about sleep though, and my future with it. I try not to think about it right now. Put it in a box. I'm in Washington, not here. I'm in Washington, not here. Relax.
3. I am jealous that Kevin sleeps so well. Thinking about him sleeping makes me sick. I feel alone and wish I had an insomnia buddy.
4. I feel sort of enclosed and trapped in my apartment. That started when my sleeplessness got bad.
5. What if I never get better? Will I be a zombie for the rest of my life?
6. Last semester I was stressed and fine with it. What happened?
7. I should feel proud of myself. Why don't I ever feel that way anymore? Vicious cycle. No sleep = Don't pretty myself up = don't feel good about myself. I see dark circles and a tired body. Kevin says I'm pretty no matter what, but what if he loses interest? Horrible!
Sleep Journal-
Fell asleep great. Ambien is bomb. Couldn't think anything. Woke up at 6, couldn't get back to sleep even with how tired I am. My stomach tensed up and I got worried/anxiety about getting back to sleep. It's weird because I don't think much, just lay there with my roller coaster stomach flip flopping. That's what makes it hard to sleep.
9/30/10
Fell asleep great again. Woke up at 4:30. Can't fall back to sleep, even though it's 6:30 now! I don't get it. Ambien works great. Why am I anxious all the time? I am not worrying about anything in particular. Not sleeping maybe? I feel this way all day on and off. It's like it's generalized from my not sleeping. I'm so tired. Last night I slept okay because I was really hungry and got up to eat a bowl of cereal. Falling back to sleep was a piece. I don't have to be up at any specific time, so I don't get why I can't sleep! I've been trying to talk myself out of anxiety.There's no reason for it. I CAN sleep. I'm FINE! It's so weird, want to see the counselor. I am EXHAUSTED.
10/1/10
I fell asleep okay, and slept until like six. I even woke up once an fell straight back to sleep. Now my stomach is anxious, so I can't fall asleep but it's an improvement right? I'm just tired. I would love to get 8 hours again. I guess I can't be disappointed by a step up. I just wish I knew what my stomach was always so nervous about, because I am not at all in my head. Maybe just the sleep thing. Maybe just that. Please help me sleep God.
10/4/10
Getting ready for bed. I took Erin's supplements . I don't want to be on Ambien for the rest of my life. I'm so scared of that. My mom is stuck on it and I know I can sleep better. But it takes the anxiety of sleep out. Last night I took nothing, stayed up as late as I could. I probably slept 2 hours, which is better than one! I feel like God isn't listening to me and that stresses me out too. It makes me angry that I pray all the time and get nothing right now.
Dear God,
Please listen to me
Off to do Deep Muscle Relaxation
10/26/10 11:20 PM
Counselor Jared told me to keep a sleepy time journal so we can look at patterns in my thinking.
Tonight:
1. I am not as worried as usual because my counseling visit and doctor visit went well. The doctor told me my Ambien plan was good and did not make me feel like a drug addict! That is a relief.
2. Still a bit nervous about sleep though, and my future with it. I try not to think about it right now. Put it in a box. I'm in Washington, not here. I'm in Washington, not here. Relax.
3. I am jealous that Kevin sleeps so well. Thinking about him sleeping makes me sick. I feel alone and wish I had an insomnia buddy.
4. I feel sort of enclosed and trapped in my apartment. That started when my sleeplessness got bad.
5. What if I never get better? Will I be a zombie for the rest of my life?
6. Last semester I was stressed and fine with it. What happened?
7. I should feel proud of myself. Why don't I ever feel that way anymore? Vicious cycle. No sleep = Don't pretty myself up = don't feel good about myself. I see dark circles and a tired body. Kevin says I'm pretty no matter what, but what if he loses interest? Horrible!
First Post
Okay, finally I've decided to do this. I doubt many people will read this or even find this, but I wanted to create some laughs along the way. I've had pretty severe insomnia for about four months--the anxiety induced kind (we think). At first... my sleep just started deteriorating. Then I was getting 3 hours of sleep.... then it was one.... then it was less than that. I went to a doctor who prescribed Ambien, and that's where this idea started. I've always kept a journal, and am sometimes not very faithful about it, but my counselor suggested I do it more frequently as I started going to him. I would start writing after I had taken the ambien and the next day would see things I didn't remember writing. I tended to swear a lot more, talk about sex a lot more, worry in a silly way. Those that had to be around me would giggle and it sort of provided some relief to my extreme sleep deprivation and exhaustion. I wondered how many people are going through the same thing as I am and this blog idea was born. I'm going to catch anyone reading up to date by posting like mad all the journals I've written thus far, and probably scan them onto here (Because they are not quite the same without seeing my ambien writing skillzzzz). There may be some videos (if I get over the shame of how ridiculous I am while taking ambien).
If anyone ever finds this I hope they laugh a little. I also hope to help anyone reading understand a little more insomnia, if only just from my drugged point of view. It's often thought of as normal sleep disturbances--everyone has periods of not sleeping well-- but really it's a serious thing when one consistently, and for long periods of time, does not sleep well. Real insomnia (whether a primary disorder or caused by something else) often appears to those that have never had it as "laziness", or "overexaggeration", or even just simply "whining," which makes it even more difficult for someone with insomnia to cope with what they're going through. Complete exhaustion, lack of focus, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, an inability to react quickly in driving situations, and sometimes weight gain can all accompany this lack of sleep (And more!) Tasks that used to take two hours now take double that time, and planning out your day is sometimes a must so that you can get in all the things that you need to do before you're too tired to go out. Some uncontrollably fall asleep during the day, some can't even do that. My point is, that if you know someone suffering from insomnia, try to understand what it is they go through. Maybe even ask instead of attaching a well worn stigma!
Now on to Ambien Blog Insanity!
If anyone ever finds this I hope they laugh a little. I also hope to help anyone reading understand a little more insomnia, if only just from my drugged point of view. It's often thought of as normal sleep disturbances--everyone has periods of not sleeping well-- but really it's a serious thing when one consistently, and for long periods of time, does not sleep well. Real insomnia (whether a primary disorder or caused by something else) often appears to those that have never had it as "laziness", or "overexaggeration", or even just simply "whining," which makes it even more difficult for someone with insomnia to cope with what they're going through. Complete exhaustion, lack of focus, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, an inability to react quickly in driving situations, and sometimes weight gain can all accompany this lack of sleep (And more!) Tasks that used to take two hours now take double that time, and planning out your day is sometimes a must so that you can get in all the things that you need to do before you're too tired to go out. Some uncontrollably fall asleep during the day, some can't even do that. My point is, that if you know someone suffering from insomnia, try to understand what it is they go through. Maybe even ask instead of attaching a well worn stigma!
Now on to Ambien Blog Insanity!
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