And So it Begins

9/28/10-

Sleep Journal-

Fell asleep great. Ambien is bomb. Couldn't think anything. Woke up at 6, couldn't get back to sleep even with how tired I am. My stomach tensed up and I got worried/anxiety about getting back to sleep. It's weird because I don't think much, just lay there with my roller coaster stomach flip flopping. That's what makes it hard to sleep.

9/30/10

Fell asleep great again. Woke up at 4:30. Can't fall back to sleep, even though it's 6:30 now! I don't get it. Ambien works great. Why am I anxious all the time? I am not worrying about anything in particular. Not sleeping maybe? I feel this way all day on and off. It's like it's generalized from my not sleeping. I'm so tired. Last night I slept okay because I was really hungry and got up to eat a bowl of cereal. Falling back to sleep was a piece. I don't have to be up at any specific time, so I don't get why I can't sleep! I've been trying to talk myself out of anxiety.There's no reason for it. I CAN sleep. I'm FINE! It's so weird, want to see the counselor. I am EXHAUSTED.

10/1/10

I fell asleep okay, and slept until like six. I even woke up once an fell straight back to sleep. Now my stomach is anxious, so I can't fall asleep but it's an improvement right? I'm just tired. I would love to get 8 hours again. I guess I can't be disappointed by a step up. I just wish I knew what my stomach was always so nervous about, because I am not at all in my head. Maybe just the sleep thing. Maybe just that. Please help me sleep God.

10/4/10

Getting ready for bed. I took Erin's supplements . I don't want to be on Ambien for the rest of my life. I'm so scared of that. My mom is stuck on it and I know I can sleep better. But it takes the anxiety of sleep out. Last night I took nothing, stayed up as late as I could. I probably slept 2 hours, which is better than one! I feel like God isn't listening to me and that stresses me out too. It makes me angry that I pray all the time and get nothing right now.

Dear God,

Please listen to me

Off to do Deep Muscle Relaxation

10/26/10   11:20 PM

Counselor Jared told me to keep a sleepy time journal so we can look at patterns in my thinking.
Tonight:
1. I am not as worried as usual because my counseling visit and doctor visit went well. The doctor told me my Ambien plan was good and did not make me feel like a drug addict! That is a relief.
2.  Still a bit nervous about sleep though, and my future with it. I try not to think about it right now. Put it in a box. I'm in Washington, not here. I'm in Washington, not here. Relax.
3. I am jealous that Kevin sleeps so well. Thinking about him sleeping makes me sick. I feel alone and wish I had an insomnia buddy.
4. I feel sort of enclosed and trapped in my apartment. That started when my sleeplessness got bad.
5. What if I never get better? Will I be a zombie for the rest of my life?
6. Last semester I was stressed and fine with it. What happened?
7. I should feel proud of myself. Why don't I ever feel that way anymore? Vicious cycle. No sleep = Don't pretty myself up = don't feel good about myself. I see dark circles and a tired body. Kevin says I'm pretty no matter what, but what if he loses interest? Horrible!