No Funny Business Yet

10/27/10 11:40 PM

Happier today than I've been in a while. Even Kevin noticed. It's because of the huge weight that was lifted off of me yesterday. Still nervous about sleep. I try not to let it, but it makes me kind of sick. We bought a flashlight, a book, and some logic problems in case I wake up. I don't like leaving the room in the middle of the night. Light wakes me up. I'm super impatient. I just want to get better now. Last weekend made me nervous about sleep again, BUT last week it was so much better! I shouldn't have gone off the pills last weekend! Talk about taking a step back. Bla

10/28/10     11:25 PM

Trying to stay upbeat. It's hard not to let it get me down- The fact that my sleep is crappy. Last night, I got 3 hours, then woke up at 3:30 or 4:00 for two hours. Then I fell asleep, but the rest of my sleep was not restful. I've forgotten what it feels like to not feel tired the next day. Man, do I appreciated sleep.
I'm always a bit nervous before I go to bed. Hoping hard for sleep. I wish I could just quit school for a while. Wish I could just quit everything and leave for a bit.
I was not in a bad/sad mood today. I am keeping myself upbeat and positive. But the closer it gets to bedtime the harder it is. I feel like I sound like a baby, "No sorry I can't go to a midnight movie. I have to keep my sleep cycle strict because I'm an old lady. Sorry I have all these rules."
I love Kevin though. Sometimes he's strong for me. It feels like I shouldn't need to be strong. It's just sleep. I could be much worse off. My friend passed out from exhaustion the other day. Whoa.
Ambien is working. I'm usually not up at this point; it makes my nerves go away.

10/29/10            11:30 P.M.

I hate sleep and I love it. You know- I don't really think much except that I'm nervous about sleeping.
Last night- slept for four hours. Up at 4ish, for a couple hours. Asleep for one more. It sucked. I am so tired! I'm a little nervous about the Health Psych test I have to take this weekend. How lame is that? We have to take our tests on the weekend. I wanted to get it done tonight, but it was too hard to concentrate.

Mostly I'm just worried about sleeping. Will I get more tonight? Will I get less? Will I be okay?

Sometimes I wonder if this is automatic, or if this worry is all just me and my fault. At least I don't really have it during the day anymore. I put it in a box.

10/30/10               11:50 PM

At my parents. I wanted to go to bed earlier, but for some reason my step-dad wanted to blast classical music. Blast classical music? Weird.

Last night I slept better than usual. I went right back to sleep when I woke up. Amazing. I'm still worried, but not quite as much because last night was good (well...good for me anyway). That's all I'm really thinking. It's all I usually think too.

10/31/10    11:45 PM

Last night I woke up like 10 times, but I fell back to sleep. All I'm really thinking tonight is- What happens when I quit taking Ambien? Trying not to think about the future and instead just think about right now. My sleep has been okay for two days! I feel like I should reward myself with sushi and "How to Train Your Dragon."

11/1/10    11:28 P.M.

Thinking the same thing I do every night, "I hope I sleep." Not much else- Maybe the Ambien thing again. But I am way tired. I wish I could go to bed even earlier, but homework doesn't let me.

11/2/10 11:20 P.M.

Again- just thinking about sleep. I'm anxious for no reason right now. I don't really know what else to say. I am tired. I haven't been putting things in a box as much lately. I will start doing that again.

11/3/10    11:30 P.M.

Soo tired. I have improved but seriously, waking up for several hours every night sucks. Kevin is getting terrible sleep too. Now he can't fall asleep. I'm just nervous. Same as every night. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I have a lot of stuff coming up in school.

Stress-
Have to create my own exam
Test critique
Health simulation
Archive Folklore thing
So much reading
Test, test, test

And on top of it I'm afraid I'm gaining weight because of this whole thing. I'm not the skinniest girl on the planet, but I am by no means fat. I take pride in my health and I do NOT feel very healthy right now.

11/4/10     11:15 P.M.

If I don't get 8 hours of sleep what will happen?
    - I will be tired and nothing else.

Cherry- Your body is adapting. You are okay at low sleep. You are okay. Tomorrow is Friday. Breathe a big sigh of relief. It is a new day! Start all over! Tonight is a new night! Another chance you can wake up refreshed and ready. EVEN if you get 6 hours or 5 or 3!

 -If you don't get sleep you only have one class to worry about. Go home and veg. True. Too true.

11/5/10      11:15 P.M.

Tomorrow is Saturday, so even if I don't sleep it will be oooookay. I am so tired today though. I think I cried earlier and that's why. 16 days until my birthday! 18 until Thanksgiving break. I can make it. I can make it to break! So close I can almost taste it! Hoorah! I can get there, even if tonight is sucky sleep!
Woooo!----Ambien